Born a Farmer

Sometimes you just gotta ride a buffalo and stomp around in its shit

After some trial and error in booking flights through a Vietnamese website, I finally found myself on a weekend getaway. My destination of choice was none other than the UNESCO recognized Ancient Town of Hoi An. Standing as a heritage site, the town offers unique architecture and influence from decades of various colonizers. Several religious temples and shops originate from the Chinese era, with colorful buildings from the French, and bridges from the influence of the Japanese. The city is also situated to give visitors a chance to visit the coastline of the South China Sea in just 20 minutes, while also giving hikers access to the stunning Marble Mountains in a quick 45-minute motorbike ride. Hoi An is also a foodie haven and the tailor capital of the world. Needless to say, I had a packed 3-day weekend.

Friday

After a late arrival on Thursday night, I was woken up at a quarter to 8 to the sound of drums and singing outside of my window. I still have no idea why or what was being celebrated, but it sure was lively. Quickly slipping out for breakfast, I stopped at one of the most famous Banh Mi spots in all of Vietnam, aka the Bahn Mi Queen. I scarfed down a BBQ pork banh mi, which is easily one of the best things I have had in my time here. Then, to fuel the long, drowsy day ahead, I stopped at the infamous Faifo Coffee, where you can enjoy classic Vietnamese varieties of egg coffee, salt coffee, and coconut coffee, while sitting at one of the highest points in the city. I opted for their “special” coffee that featured a heavy dosage of salt and a cheese foam top. It’s safe to say, the view was much better than the coffee.

BBQ Pork Bahn Mi accompanied by the inside and outside of Faifo Coffee

Immediately after, I was off to the tailor. As aforementioned, Hoi An is home to over 500 tailors in about a 5-10 minute waking radius. After doing some research on the overwhelming amount of options, I slipped into A Dong Silk where I custom-made a cashmere silk tobacco brown 2-piece suit, alongside a bamboo silk undershirt, a black tie, and a handkerchief for the low price of $364! After a long session of measurements, taking several photos, and several Pinterest images being exchanged via WhatsApp, I was all finished, and of course, hungry again. I opted for a bowl of Cao Lau, a Hoi An specialty consisting of chewy noodles, sliced barbecued pork, some fresh herbs, all sitting atop some dark sauce.

My delicious bowl of Cao Lau

Post meal, I found myself yearning to get out of the town. It is quite small after all and I was tired of being hassled by various tailors on the street. So, I did what any rational person would do in my situation. I booked a 30-minute experience with a Vietnamese farmer and a water buffalo. Mind you, there were zero reviews, zero pictures, and zero English speakers. So naturally, I booked it. Little did I know, this would be by far my favorite thing I did all trip.

Once I got dropped off via motorbike, my Grab driver quickly noticed that my farmer did not speak any English and offered to stay and video the entire experience, while also taking the time to translate everything. Long story short, I rode the water buffalo, navigated it through some murky, muddy, shitty mess, then plowed the mess the buffalo made, planted grass in it, and then fed the buffalo. Like what the hell. Oh and most of the time, my Grab driver was signing the Vietnamese national anthem while the farmer shouted “YEEHAW, I LOVE VIETNAM”. And in that moment, I did. I loved Vietnam.

Water Buffalo Experience

Following my high, I chased the experience down with another Hoi An speciality: White Rose Dumplings. These dumplings were small and rose-shaped, stuffed with shrimp and topped with crispy onions. A delicious way to start the evening before I headed straight for the famous night market.

Illuminated by lit-up lanterns, the old town was decorated with hundreds of street vendors that sold grilled meats, various forms of pancakes, both savory and sweet, an array of fruit juices, clothing, jewelry, ice cream, beer, cigarettes, etc. Basically you name it and it was available to you in a little cart on the side of the river. I opted to sit along the river and watch the boats fill up the canal before I would eventually splurge on a banana nutella pancake as my nightcap.

Collage of the night

Saturday

Straight off the wake up, a private van was outside my villa awaiting my arrival. After nearly an hour of driving around and collecting various other Westerners, we were dropped off at 9 am sharp to the market. In no more than 15 minutes, after collecting various herbs, spices, and proteins for our tropical cooking class, we were quickly sardined back into the van and off to the next destination — the coconut grove. Here, we would be split off into pairs of two, forcing all of the solo travelers to quickly make a friend and cozy up for a 45-minute basket boat ride to our kitchen. Mine was of course the French asian man who laughed at me in the market because I was the only one in the group who does not use the metric system. For entertainment and tourist appeasement, the driver of our basket boat allowed us to crab fish in the rocky spaces that lined our arrival dock. After a furious battle with a twig stick and a minuscule amount of bait, my boat partner and I caught a crab fit for a toddler. We marveled in our fisherman’s glory once we had learned that we were the only group to do so. But there was no time to waste as midday was approaching quite rapidly and there was still several dishes to cook.

After being dressed in the classic apron and toque, it was time to spend the next hour finely slicing, rolling, flambéing, and eventually eating, numerous Vietnamese staples. Now, I did not take many pictures of the food that we ate because by the time it was in front of me I was absolutely ravenous, so if you care that much, use Google Photos. Anyways, I digress. My peers and I managed to chef up a 4-course meal, which would then be accompanied by another 4-courses that were being prepared for us, making it a feast fit for kings (just kidding! have y’all seen portion sizes over here?). We started off with spring rolls that we hand rolled to contain prawns, chicken, and vegetables. Swiftly it was followed by our finely chopped and heavily seasoned papaya salad. We were then quickly ushered back to the stove to cook our own Vietnamese pancake (Bánh xèo) filled with, once again, prawns, chicken, and vegetables. A beer was now in order, with lemongrass chicken, a heaping pile of morning glory, and a steaming bowl of rice to wash it all down. And to finish it all off, each person was given half a passionfruit to slurp up for dessert.

LET HIM COOK

Apparently the 8-course meal was no match for me. Within the hour, I found myself seated at Bahn Mi Phuong. The place was lined with Anthony Bourdain memorabilia, as nearly 2 decades ago he claimed that their mixed pork banh mi was “a symphony in a sandwich”. So, I ordered exactly that and got to eating. To be fair, I feel like I have had better banh mi’s since i’ve been in Vietnam. However, that being said, I am not the biggest fan of pork, especially not a MIXED variety of VARIOUS pieces of pork. That being said, I ate the entire thing, no complaints. So, I think Tony may have gotten it right.

To continue the water-themed day, I motorbiked down to An Bang beach where I walked over a mile along the shore. It was so crazy to see how much the scenery changed in a little over 30 mins. Where I was dropped off was a desolate, abandoned shell of French-era colonization. The shoreline was completely empty of inhabitants, with the occasional fisherman claiming his stake from his basket boat. And then suddenly, there was a flashing sign above my head that advertised “the best beach villa in town”, and surely enough, that’s where the party seemingly started and ended. In what seemed like seconds, I was swarmed with a sea of hundreds of Vietnamese trying to beat the heat. There were motorbikes all over the sand and street vendor stalls selling traditional Vietnamese food. Old men were in little speedos while others opted for their formal work attire. There was also a wedding happening on the beach amongst all of the madness. I watched the Western couple share their first kiss as newlyweds behind a perfect sunset-backdrop as a Vietnamese man walked right behind the altar with barely any fabric covering his lower-half. In that moment, I loved Vietnam.

Sunday

After having my respective city and beach-filled days, I opted to spend my final hours in Hoi An at the Marble Mountains. The five limestone peaks were situated about 40 minutes via motorbike from my villa. With only one mountain open for visitors, I hiked in and out of Thuy Son’s temples, pagodas, and caves. Interestingly enough, not only are these mountains a major tourist attraction, but they also are active worship sites. So while I was hiking, you could see people in traditional garb, praying to and worshipping religious figures. Which felt quite insensitive to be honest, but I think those people know that there are going to be mass amounts of Westerners sliding in and out. Nonetheless, it was gorgeous and unlike any touristy hike I have ever done. There were essentially no signs, the stairs were extremely slippery and steep, and caves were a complete free for all. Essentially, if you could fit through the opening, it was all yours for the taking.

And just like that, it was time to head back to the Da Nang airport. I boarded my plane back to HCMC, soaking wet with sweat, whilst carrying my new suit bag.

I think i’m starting to love Vietnam.